Posted in comedy, idk., News

Whipped Cream was on Sale.

So, on my break from the dusty hell that is Dollarama, I went over to the grocery store and bought some goddamn $5 Ontario strawberries. Yes, poor money choices… I am going to end up homeless if I continue to spend like this… I know I know. But anyway, I had to go back to work right after bought said strawberries. SO, I shoved them in my backpack to let them get real smooshy.

After work, I decided something was going to be missing from my night. I already had my berries, but where was the cream? Not in my backpack, that’s for sure. On my walk across the bright ass parking lot into the darkness, I stopped in at Food Basics. Where, knew there was whipped cream on sale. This was to be the theoretical cherry atop my sundae. Or, just you know the whipped cream on top… who actually eats the cherries on top anyway?

Getting off topic here, as I walked into a very-empty-and-kind-of-depressing Ancaster Food Basics I started to think of ways I could explain why I was buying just a singular can of whip cream at 9:30 at night.

Here, are my overzealously (probably not a word) thought ways to explain my singular whipped cream canister.

  • The truth, I was using it to be eaten with my $5 strawberries. Just reminding you that I am crazy and bought $5 strawberries.
  • The obvious, to anyone under 30. Some sort of whipped cream *bikini maybe* sex act. I should look into this now, for… research.
  • I was buying it for my dying grandmother as her last wish.
  • I had just gotten dumped and planned on just squirting it in my mouth all night. But, the major plot hole in this excuse is if I had really been planning on doing this with the cream, I would need like 4 or 5 cans to mask my feelings with a sugar high.
  • Katy Perry circa “California Gurls music video” tit canisters.

Once the whipped cream and I locked eyes, I knew it was meant to be… Until I looked at the price. $4 for name brand or $2.49 for on-sale-no-name-brand, I had already spent $5 on goddamn strawberries *which were still being smooshed in my backpack by a tiny bag of “got to keep them alive until payday” cat food* so I was not at liberty to spend whatever I please on whipped cream.

Plus, I am a cheap bastard by nature.

So, me and the on sale *not “light less sugar diet shit air” * whipped cream strolled up to the cashier and I put it on the counter. The cashier looked at me funny. Then I looked at her, then she looked from the lonely can of cream to me and back to the cream. I knew what she was thinking. Being me, I blurted out… “I have strawberries I swear” and she looked at me and smiled, “I’m glad you said that, because my mind was going… well where yours was too probably.” And she was right. So, I paid, not before blabbering incessantly at her and reassuring her of the existence of the strawberries, and walked out the sliding doors.

That is the end of this weird little story. I just felt this needed to be shared for some reason. So, bye.

*blares California Gurls in her room, alone, with ($5) strawberries and whipped cream falling out of her mouth as she lip syncs and dances around her room*

Posted in idk., lovey-dovey shit

guess what, we are on another date.

*2 posts in one day wowowoowowowowo*

COngratUlaToons. You made it to a second “date” (me just spitting random facts at the internet) with yours truly.

So, let’s google some more questions to ask a girl and see what happens.

You have no say in the matter and I am literally talking to myself so this is a rhetorical question and I am going to do whatever I damn well please anyway.

Today’s article is from The Stallion Style, and the title reads “20+ Really Interesting Questions to Ask a Girl You Like

SO, let’s do this shit.

Disclaimer *This is from a dude website so they are probably a little sexist and “trying to get into my pants”, so parents and people who want to still respect me after this post, stop reading now*

 

“What is something you have tried, but will never do again?”

I know I had a quick-witted and funny response for this when I chose it, but now cannot remember it for the life of me.

“What quirky habit do you have?”

overthinking

“What is your biggest fear?”

Being abandoned. Wow, this got deep real fast, I promise I wanted this to be a funny satire post but currently it is just depressing.

“What would your dream date be like?”

I never know how to answer this damn question. I don’t know I would just like to be on the date with a person I like. And food. Food must be involved, specifically pie. But hiking sounds fun too. Oooh, hiking and then going to like a farmer’s market or something and getting pie. That’s my dream date.

“What is something you used to do as a child that you wish you could still do?”

Okay so this is kind of hard to explain, but I used to be able to make my right index and middle finger bend in such a way that I could form a perfect circle. I can’t do it now and it makes me very sad. The most I can do now is make a teardrop shape to match the despair I feel inside.

“What is the worst thing about dating?”

SMALL TALK.

“Do you believe that he will always have a special place in your heart?”

Who? Winnie the Pooh? Yes probably.

“Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s parent?”

Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on
She’s all I want and I’ve waited for so long
Stacy, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong, but I’m in love with Stacy’s mom

“Describe the appearance of the person you would like to date?”

Hmm, tall. Like 6’3. I’m 5’9 so I need someone quite a bit taller than me. Funny, nerdy, positive mostly but also enjoys self-deprecating humor. Thinks I am funny. I like flat black earrings for some reason not sure why. Not to existential crisis like. Not to opinionated on politics and such because I am not and I can’t keep up with people who are, plus I honestly don’t care that much. Glasses are a bonus.

 

BONUS ROUND

15 (but I cut most of them out because they were disgusting) Flirty Questions to Make Her Fall for You!

*“flirty” woman with lollipop picture*

“What do you prefer; thongs or panties?”

People who like thongs are sadists and have plastic assholes because that is the only circumstance where thongs can be comfortable.

“What tricks do you use to turn a guy on?”

Magic. The Gathering.

 

Okay, so that concludes our date for today. We will call you in the next few weeks if you made it past the test and get rewarded with Date #3.

 

Alicia.

Posted in idk.

Fed up with Love Stories.

Yesterday was a great day. I came down to Jackson square with not a single idea in my head as to what I was going to do once I arrived. Soon after walking into the familiar “shopping centre” though, I found a Coles… In this Coles, I found a book. And in this book, I found a love story.

This particular love story was unfortunately not about me, no I did not wander around the bookshelves and some weirdly hot nerd came around and started chatting me up, no. I found a book called Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon. Highly suggest reading this if you are also a sap like me.

SO, I bought this book (for only $10 – a steal) and got myself a juice and then settled into the cafeteria at the Jackson Square Nations (amazing grocery store btw). I started to read and soon got addicted to the characters and their story. I loved hearing about all the little things they found about each other and watching their romance form and grow. You see, I love unusual love stories. I don’t want to hear about two attractive people falling in love. And I especially do not want to read another story about the nerdy girl who suddenly takes her glasses off to go to the big school dance, and is suddenly an effing Victoria’s Secret model. This may attract other people but not me.

You see, I do not desire this kind of love and maybe (totally) that’s on me, and maybe you love hearing about attractive people fall for each other at football games. And that’s fine. It is just not for me. I want to hear about the weird girl and the shy guy who are total introvert/extrovert stereotypes getting together, I want to hear about the gay warlocks falling in love.

Now, for the point of this post, (there is one I swear) I was walking the YA (Young Adult) section of the Hamilton Public Library today and could not find a single book that was of interest to me as Everything, Everything was (finished this in 5 hours it was so good by the way). This made me sad. This made me question where I was going as a 19-year-old reader. I need to find a new genre. YA is just too cliché for me now and since I have been reading it (Twilight and all) since I was 12, this is in a new era of reading for me and I have no idea where to start.

I’ve scoured the internet for books and read all the blogs and even watched YouTube videos on books (BookTube) and cannot find anything. You see, along with not liking cliché romance, I also don’t like coming of age books (I find them far too cheesy and I need some romance in my life). And I especially do not like books about real world issues or girls being fat and bullied because this was not me and it just depresses me reading about slavery and such. This probably makes me a horrid person and I understand this but I read to escape, not to be dragged down.

Wow, I sound like an asshat.

Okay, I think it’s time to end this.

Going to go search for more books now.

Unsuccessfully.

Good luck reading this passionate mess of words.

Bye.

Alicia.