So, I suck at baking but I am very good at making dirt-flavored supposed ginger-molasses crumble.
Baking is a talent and I admire the people who can do it (ex: my mum)… Needless to say, I didn’t inherit that gene.
So, my mum was out being all business-y and entrepreneur-y and I wanted cake. As you do.
I tried to make a cake.
It did not end well.
Okay so, my first mistake was not checking if i even had all of the necessary ingredients for said cake and lo and behold, I would later find out that I was missing eggs. ginger and all-purpose flour.
*Disclaimer: this recipe was classified as “This is everyone’s holiday favorite, even the busy cook’s, because it is so easy to make.” … APPARENTLY NOT.*
The recipe called for me to cream the butter and the sugar together to make the base of the wet ingredients… I do not nor do I want to learn what in the hell creaming ingredients together means. SO, I just mixed them together.
I started to cream the “wet” ingredients first and that was going fairly well until I looked into the fridge and started to panic… WE HAD NO EGGS. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
At this point, I probably should’ve just quit while I was ahead.
I, being the stubborn redhead I am, did not. I was going to finished this damned cake if it meant the end of me.
After I realized my obvious absence of eggs, I contemplated the necessity of eggs in baking. I came to the conclusion that they must be pretty important since my mum’s perpetual excuse for not baking is “we have no eggs”.
I used the Google-inks and searched up “What can you use as a substitute for eggs”. I then clicked on the first result.. because the overwhelming teenager laziness overcame me and I didn’t want to scroll… because no.
This was the site I used.
Who knew applesauce could be used for an egg substitute…
Next, I measured out the Molasses. You know that saying/insult “you’re slow as molasses”? Yeah that is REAL SLOW. Like, I’m a slow runner and everything but… That’s some serious viscosity.
After the battle of Molasses with my trusty spoon in hand in order to retrieve the gooey “Liquid” out of the godforsaken container, I took a dance break for no reason because baking to music is some groovy stuff… Blaring Black Eyed Peas and dancing around the kitchen in my purple Eeyore jumper (With the back door open.. My poor neighbors). I am the pinnacle of cute. Ha no.
The dance break had refreshed me and I was ready to, once again, tackle this baking catastrophe I had so blindly started.
The next step the recipe called for was to “attack” the dry ingredients. Head on. SO… I did.
As you can probably guess, this apparently easy step was just as challenging as the aforementioned wet ingredients step for us baking dum-dums.
The dry ingredients started out badly… There was no two-ingredients-done-right grace period as there seemed to be with the wet ingredients.
Maybe they (the ingredients) planned this.
They made the wet ingredients seem easy enough just so I would continue baking and eventually they knew I would pass the point of baking no return. Forcing me to bake the whole cake.
Stay on track Alicia, we’re almost there.
Okay so back to the dry ingredient step, It wanted me to start with one and a half cups of all-purpose flour. We did not have all-purpose flour. I used old baking flour.
That was not my biggest struggle in the dry ingredients however. Next the recipe called for one tablespoon of cinnamon, ground cloves, and fresh ground ginger.
This is about to get interesting.
SO the cinnamon… (Fun fact: my friend calls herself “Princess Cinnamon Tits” as her theoretical stripper name.. Mine is Foxy Miller (You take the name of your first pet and the name of the first street you remember living on… BOOM instant stripper name. You’re welcome)) this spice was one that I had trouble identifying properly and in the end it turns out I used allspice.. Not cinnamon. BUT allspice has cinnamon in it so I guess I’m okey-dokey.
Next the ground cloves…. First I had to research what on earth a clove was… I then came to the realization that I had seen these “cloves” on a really lame documentary-history-show thing that my mum forced me to watch when I was young. GO NERD PARENTS. Once what a clove even was had been established… I then tracked them down in my mum’s spice basket and got out her mortar and pestle. I began to grind dem cloves. Grinding is hard work. (You get your head out of the gutter now, ya hear? … Just me? Okay… Awkward). Once I ground the cloves… I sifted them. Yes, I sifted my newly pulverized cloves because they were all clumpy and annoying and 1) I didn’t want to grind anymore and 2) I thought random clumps of clove in my already doomed to be gross cake I was attempting to conjure would not be helping the flavor situation. The recipe called for a tablespoon of ground cloves, and I can assure you that I did not put even close to the required amount of ground cloves in that batter… Maybe a quarter of a tablespoon… Maybe.
As for the fresh ground ginger… Yeah… at this point in my spice journey I just wanted to be done and made an executive decision to just leave this ingredient out. Plus… I didn’t even want to try and figure out how to grind ginger… The clove incident was still fresh in my mind. Yes. I left the GINGER out of my GINGER – Molasses cake. Don’t judge.
I seemed to add the rest of the dry ingredients without a hitch. So that was a nice turn of events.
But then came the mixing….
Yeah I used way too small of a bowl to put the dry ingredients in and as I attempted to mix in the different spices I had some… some spillage… all over the (already stupidly messy) counter and the respecting floor area around the bowl.
I made a smart decision as I looked at the next step… “Put the dry ingredients in with the wet ones and mix together until smooth”, I gazed down at my tiny wet ingredients bowl and my overflowing dry ingredients one. I thought about trying to put them together in the wet ingredients bowl.. Real hard.
I did not put them together though.
I got a bigger bowl and mixed the wet and dry ingredients together in it.
Then I felt an overwhelming state of euphoria.
I was almost done this demonic cake.
I fetched the most complicated pan my mum owns.. of course.. why would I make this easy for myself?
This pan. It is a square 9×9 inch pan BUT the bottom comes out for “easy cake/loaf removal” HA. HA. HA. HAHAHA. no.
The pan leaks. It leaked a couple of drops of batter onto the bottom of the oven… forcing me to go and get a fan so that my overly-sensitive fire alarm would not freak the eff out and scare the poop out of me. (It’s loud)
I waited for my concoction to bake.
For an hour.
It smelled good.
It did not taste good.
When it was cooked and cooled, I tried a bit and I can be 100% honest with you, the outside of it tastes like dirt. I was fed mud pies by my little brother when I was a child. I know what dirt tastes like. It brought back some memories to be perfectly honest with you… The internet…
The center, however, was not too shabby if I do say so myself.
Then, my mum came home and I had cleaned up the mess and had my dirt-brick “cake” waiting for her. She took one look and went “It needs powdered sugar”.
She is a baking genius.. even with this poopy brick of molasses-sugar-flour apparently just needed a sprinkle of powdered sugar.
She said it wasn’t that bad for no eggs.
Anyway… that was my baking adventure.
Do not hire me to bake anything… unless you want a “ginger” – molasses dirt crumble/brick thing.
If you want that.. then I’m your girl!
Maybe I should go on Master Chef Canada.